everything changes

this is the eight story from the emotional support series.

previous story: delegating work

after ninth grade, i heard, “go and study a vocation.”

“no!” i said sharply. “i want to go to a high school.”

“if you go to a high school you will not get my financial support.” my mom said.

“but…” i began to say when she walked away.

this was it, the end of discussion.

i had no interest to study anything. and i had no courage or money to wander off on my own. i felt stuck.

in a bounty of options i faced a choice between two worlds — should i pick a masculine or a feminine job?

i read a list.

welding. electrics. automatics. mechanics. agriculture. cooking. sewing. secretary. the list was long. i puked at all. but i had to lock a field.

i applied for information technology.

barely, i got in. i was the last student in the list of forty-one students who got accepted. half were russians. seven were girls. and in total, about dozen were girls in a school of boys.

i learned as little as i needed to get by. only half finished. i did too. barely though.

soon enough, four years of haze aligned me up to do things i deeply enjoyed in the tech-nerd world. for the next five years, i analyzed, maintained n’ tested it systems with great pride.

mentally wealthy of information, when off from work, i still slammed doors. i still fought wars day n’ night with my high pitch voice.

i couldn’t handle change.
i disliked, no-no, i hated change.

when change ran in, i barked at it. i bit it. i locked my jaws. i shook it. i refused to release it. i tried to kill it coz i feared to get lost in the unknown.

every-single-time, the shore was dark on the other side. i had to see it. but i never did. i had to pick an outcome. but i never could.

on days when i didn’t flip out, i just rolled down the hill within myself into an abyss. i glued a smile on my face to hide my pain of dislikes.

throughout the years, i tried my best to manipulate, negotiate n’ pressure change. i swore n’ judged. i blamed nonstop. and i played a victim to escape inevitable change.

why me? why not her?
she doesn’t have to do it. why do i?

fuck you! do it yourself!
no, i don’t want (to do) it.
do i have to do it now?
can i do it later?

she started it.
it’s her fault. she did it.
no, i didn’t do it. he did.
no, i didn’t say it. you said it.

when i do this, can i get it then?
if you don’t help me. i can’t help you.

i am not ready yet. leave me alone.
i don’t care! it’s not my business.
i don’t deserve it.

shit, we lost.
fuck, it’s my fault.

when i disliked change, the hair on my back went up. i barked a lot. my body, mouth n’ thoughts were occupied by the clock.

when i liked change, i allowed change to stroke my fur. i purred for a minute or five. and with meows, i expressed my thanks but i felt no gratitude.

i either took an aggressive or a partly-passive stand in the presence of change. but in time, i aged. i got tired. year by year i softened up.

in my late twenties, i got lost in a spiritual swirl. i gobbled up inner n’ outer change to shape my ways. i went from zero to hero in three years.

change broke loose in me. my ego transformed. it went from, who am i to i am better than everyone else.

then in my early thirties, my life collapsed. i met the dark night of the soul. crystal clear, i saw two sides of me. my spiritual ego, my superior self, and my inner child, my empathic self.

life said i am spiritually aware but emotionally unsupported by myself. no more could i hide behind technology. no more could i cycle my pain away.

i broke down.

i had no choice. i had to stay still.

in moments of darkness, i met a path i never knew existed. deep down, i heard an invitation…

just feel your way through the unexpected change. don’t ignore how you feel. allow yourself to feel exactly as you do. and please, don’t fight with the things that are fighting with you. let’s judge n’ blame less. i am here with you. we can do it.

i never allowed myself to feel.
i never knew what it even means to feel.

until i heard…

you stop what you’re doing and you give your full undivided intention to the place where you feel this emotion in your body. before we label the feeling we locate it. first, you have a seat. then you locate where do you feel the intense emotion in your body. you focus your intention only to that part of the body. not thinking where it’s from. without psychoanalyzing.

by matt kahn

omg, i realized then.

with a device, i felt safe n’ held in my painful cocoon. no wonder, i fell in love with the tech-nerd world.

for years i had used computers to talk with emotional beings through technology. i just couldn’t drill the eyes of another human being. i felt, if i scan, they see my pain. asked or unasked, they would meet the brokenness of my human experience.

in a choiceless space,
i began to implement feelings into everything i do.

with one breath at a time i learned what it means to permit myself to feel exactly as i do. i paused life if needed. i learned to not psychoanalyze my thoughts n’ feelings which were the hardest to do.

overtime, in the face of change, my defenses went down. i barked less n’ less. and i began to purr more n’ more.

as we learn to sit in the presence of change. as we learn to breathe in insurmountable odds, and breathing out that no longer serves us, whether we are ready to let go of it or not, we come to realize through the cultivation of stillness that “everything changes but it can only change for the better.”

by matt kahn

i fell for change. we became friends.

i see now, change is like the wind. it’s always here. you might hear it. see it. feel it. and you might not. it’s unexpected. always. it can hit you around another corner. forecasts can predict what’s up ahead but they can’t see the outcome of change before it’s here.

change is the only constant in life.

everything that comes, goes. everything that starts, comes to an end. but it’s a universal principle that no amount of change can enter your field unless it’s designed to only change you for the better.

by matt kahn

my childhood taught me that.
my seven breakups taught me that.
my worldwide travels taught me that.
my grandmother’s death taught me that.
my secondary educations taught me that.
my knee injury with surgeries taught me that.
my reintegration into normal life taught me that.
my path from ignorance to awareness taught me that.
my unconscious habits to conscious habits taught me that.
my road from unfeeling to feeling to healing taught me that.

with the wind of change, i have formed my voice. if you tune in, you can hear my song. you might capture my values. my ethics. my truth. my pain. my love for life.

we all have a song.
change is the mother of all songs.

i hear the wind of change sing back at me…

stay honest. be vulnerable. feel exactly as you do. you’ve done nothing wrong. be you. do you. unapologetically.

what do you hear?

my orphanhood was a gift of change.
my seven breakups were a gift of change.
my worldwide travels were a gift of change.
my grandmother’s death was a gift of change.
my secondary education was a gift of change.
my knee injury with surgeries was a gift of change.
my reintegration into normal life was a gift of change.
my path from ignorance to awareness was a gift of change.
my unconscious habits to conscious habits were a gift of change.
my road from unfeeling to feeling to healing was a gift of change.

while people may come and go from your life, the love you are learning to offer yourself becomes the constant and consistent validation, nurturing, approval, and care that you can be fuelled by.

by matt kahn

i see now, when i allow myself to feel exactly as i do in unexpected change i can tackle anything in view n’ i can grow in resilience. as a result, i can see the gift of change in everything i do, say, think n’ feel.

once it’s not against the spiritual law to feel exactly as you do, you will have created the proper space and perspective to tune into your needs and assist in the healing progress — now that any part of your healing is no longer being judged.

by matt kahn

i have hope that we can all live n’ love beyond pain.
i have hope that we can all go from feeling to healing.
i have hope that the inner child can heal all wounds on our behalf once it feels included n’ safe within.

i see now, when i am afraid, it’s the unknown i fear, all outcomes i cannot control. but i have noticed, i always had n’ i always have a choice. it’s hidden in how i respond to the outcomes in view.

to bark or not to bark, that is the question.

i can fight. or i can dance in change. the choice is mine.

i thought for long — when i do this or that, i get what i want. but turned out, no matter what i do, or how i do it, i get what i need.

you cannot ever go off course. it’s all a part of your journey.

by matt kahn

it’s beyond me.

i feel the truth but i wish to kill the feeling with rational thoughts. nowadays when i get sucked in the labyrinth of my psychoanalytical mind, i remind myself that any amount of change has gifts to give.

i might not see it, believe it, or feel it. and at times, i don’t. but when i allow myself to feel exactly as i do with honesty, i slowly come to see the unseen.

when we are emotionally free we are able to thrive in the presence of change. we are willing to step forward and embrace change as a gift to receive, instead of something daunting to avoid.

by matt kahn

just a reminder…

your feelings are okay.
your thoughts are okay.
your actions are okay.
your words are okay.
your story is okay.
share it openly.
with honesty.

whatever happened, happened.
you’ve done nothing wrong.

[last words]

i write about pain.
i swim in the tech-nerd world.
i am in touch with my feelings.
i help people heal through stories.

change is my voice.

with no change,
i don’t know what to write.
i don’t know where i have been.
i don’t know how to become better.

with change,
i don’t know where life will take me.
i don’t know if i will become a published writer.
i don’t know if i will forget to be present with my feelings.

i don’t know. and that’s okay.

when i start to write a story, i don’t know where it leads. never. ever. i know it once i have written my [last word].

ps. here are today’s questions to your heart.

what if i fear change because i fear the unknown, not knowing, the unknown has always gifts to give?

what if everything that changes can only change me for the better?

we are all in it together. you n’ me n’ others too. i am here for you if you need me to be. just send me a message at elsa@loveorfear.co


this was the last story from the emotional support series. if you missed a story, or you wish to read them again then click here to access all eight stories or choose one from the list below:

#1 empath, who?
#2 slippery slope
#3 second chances
#4 discharge of energy
#5 emotional freedom
#6 overthinking as a gift
#7 delegating work
#8 everything changes