this is the third story from the emotional support series.
previous story: slippery slope
in december twenty-sixteen life said, i was spiritually aware but emotionally unsupported by myself.
i was never there for self. for the child in me.
heck, i realized i didn’t even know what it means to be there for me, even though i had heard of inner child topics from all around.
and people who were familiar with parent-child relationship hardly practiced what they preached. just like me. majority had only one approach, meditative states with closed-eyes.
i barely heard anyone talk on how to connect with your inner child with opened-eyes anywhere at any time.
i looked within. i looked around. i saw, again and again, how spiritual people, including myself, in awakening states, shun their innocent child in unexpected change.
i once heard a friend say, “there’s something wrong with me. i don’t like it. i hate my body.” and then she replayed the tape. not once. not twice. but countless times.
and i am no angel here.
i once said, “i am emotionally numb,” for 2-decades.
i then said, “i overthink. i am tired of it.”
and then, “i am stupid. i can’t remember anything.”
and then, “i am ugly. i look like a boy.”
and then, “i am boring. not funny. not interesting. no one wants to spend time with me.”
and then, “no one loves me. i have no friends.”
damn, that hurt.
no wonder, i needed a wake-up call to remove my blinds. and life offered a hand when it shattered my life in 2016, but only to make it better as never before.
i was called to learn how to be there for me in constant change with closed-eyes and with opened-eyes. i needed both because reality said, life happens at every breath.
usually, when change drops in i am at a place where i can’t sit still like a Buddha under a Bodhi tree.
and my experiences say, shit hits the fan when least expected. when unprepared. when in a public space face-to-face with someone else. or when in a private space eye-to-eye with a dear person.
in a nutshell.
in moments of the unknown of the unexpected something happens that i dislike. that i disguise. that brings out the anger, i forgot i had. or i knew i had, but refused to admit. and it usually takes place around people, places, things. rarely shi(f)t happens when i am alone in isolation.
by 2016 i had learned, yeah, meditation helps. it reminds me to focus on my breath. to slow down. to be less verbal. to feel more.
but i needed more than just a closed-eye meditation. i needed an extra layer of something that helps me both, in private, and in public anywhere at any time.
but why so?
when in 2014 i began my meditation practice, i naturally began to analyze people’s choices.
i thought often, how come some find uninterrupted 15-minutes of meditation before their kids wake up, before work swims in, before sleep knocks them out. and how come some don’t.
in my 30+ conquered countries around the world, out of spiritual centers, i noticed how focused closed-eye meditation was perceived as foreign affairs. even a 5-minute sprint. not to talk about a 1-hour bath. and a 2-hour insanity once a day. or the ultimate extreme, 100-hours for 10-days a row of vipassana.
through my eyes of experience, i came to see — meditation is a luxury. it has greater value than all material wealth combined together.
birds chirp, to meditate we need silence and time.
if so, i can only buy it through my choices.
life has shown — we spend our time, our money, our energy, in various ways. and in that freedom of choice (oftentimes) we cope with change in hurtful ways.
in twenty-sixteen i learned, i cannot control my outcomes but i can choose how i respond in the face of change.
meditation was godly but not enough for me. i also need(ed) tools to swim with grace in constant unexpected change.
i needed …
- a tool that works both, in private, and in public
- a tool that does not require experts supervision
- a tool that does not require anyone’s money
- a tool that only asks my focused attention
hence, i needed a tool to choose myself in a lifelong moneyless approach with a step-by-step method to reject myself less, not more in my daily life.
i needed a tool which i can use and practice with opened-eyes anywhere at any time. a tool that’s also useful with closed-eyes.
my wish followed my steps.
while i danced with my imaginary demons, i began to see how spiritual homes were packed with people who were enlightened in private but triggered in public. whose practice of focused traditional meditation in (sub)conscious states boxed them into another extreme.
i got to see…
spiritual homes were no different from material homes.
i felt in me, to reason the difference is to judge myself from where i have been. of what i have (partly) survived. of where i still live today.
hence, i needed a tool that’s practical. a tool that works in all forms of prisons – in material, mental, emotional, spiritual, and energetic.
then it happened…
the burning soup of my life and the words from matt kahn shook me up to see the unseen.
i heard, you need more love, not less.
but i said, i don’t know how?
i heard, start with saying “i love you” to your own heart. not just once. or twice. but throughout the day in good and bad.
i said, but i can’t feel those words?
i heard, it’s okay. you don’t need to feel “i love youse” in order to say them to yourself. just keep the practice alive.
i said, but why?
i heard, understanding doesn’t get you where you need to be. faith does.
i said, come again?
i heard, you don’t need to figure things out and get things right. you don’t need to work so hard to improve yourself. everything will come on its own time. you only rush when you try to catch your destiny to be. initially, it’s how you push it away.
i said, but i have been a good student.
i heard, your life blew up so that you can take a journey to get really honest with yourself in order to repair the relationship with your inner child who only wants you to focus on honesty and self-love.
i said, that means?
i heard, your inner child doesn’t care how spiritual you are. all it cares about is that you learn to rely on it.
i said, okay, how can i serve?
i heard from emotional oneness, if you can just stop and say, “inner child, you are so important in my journey. i need you. we are here to do this together,” it will start to feel included in your journey and all the things that you can’t work hard enough to clear and cleanse out of your field will dissolve in a snap of a fingers.
on christmas time, i welcomed the practice.
i learned that it doesn’t matter what happens. it only matters what i say to myself when life happens.
and as guidance, i wrote down matt kahn’s words…
speak to yourself as if you’re a 5-year-old-child in need.
i felt invited to become the parent to my inner child i never had.
to say words to myself i always wanted to hear from someone else but never heard.
to build a relationship between my mind and heart to reunite them in my body as soulmates, as lovers.
to treat myself better than the past ever did by never saying words to myself or to anyone else that hurt me the most.
to speak my truth with courage by being authentically honest about my experience by saying “this happened. i don’t like it. it hurts. but it’s okay. i don’t know what to do. please be my guide. i need you. i can’t do it alone.”
this became the beginning of the end of my codependent relationships.
from then on, i didn’t have to wait for the world to change in order to change. to hope, my mom would say words to me she had never said to herself. words i always craved to hear from her.
i said to myself, from now on i will say words to myself that i have always wanted to hear from her. i will become the parent to my child i never had.
i began with a daily practice — i love you. i love you. i love you — and i never stopped.
and then, for months, i repeated a mantra from matt kahn…
i am sorry you didn’t feel loved and adored by other people from the past. i am here to pay back the emotional debt what people didn’t give you, which is what karma is. i am gonna love you and love all of the feelings and thoughts that arise to pay back the debt that no one else was able to give you and clear the karma.
i felt heard with his teachings…
clearing the karma is that i am no longer at odds with my innocence. bringing my mind and heart together as one, to let both dissolve into the light that collapses into the gut and then from there the experience of unity, oneness with god is experienced.
i felt seen…
but even that as beautiful as an experience will be, will only pay in comparison to the relief you feel when your innocence and you are on the same page and engaging in a heart-centred and trustworthy relationship.
gradually, i began to talk with my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions as if i would talk with a 5-year-old child in need.
whenever worry based thoughts visited me, i said, it’s okay. your thoughts are okay. it’s okay. we’ve done nothing wrong. i love you.
whenever intense feelings and emotions visited me, i said, i love you. i love you. i love you. it’s okay. we’ve done nothing wrong. i love you. it’s okay.
i could do this practice anywhere at any time. in private and in public. with closed-eyes and with opened-eyes. verbally and silently.
i could be face-to-face with someone else without them knowing i bathed myself in my loving response. without them knowing i embraced myself in the unknown of the unexpected change.
and that’s gospel. my focused meditation.
but not all days were angelic.
i too slipped on a slippery slope while my habits transformed from unfamiliar to familiar.
i met times when i tried to escape. to ignore integrations taking place in me. to hide. to reject the needs of my inner child who simply asked me to love her through the unexpected change.
whenever i didn’t know what to do, what to say, i somehow managed to ship the basic core-teaching anywhere at any time. i said “i love youse” on repeat while i turned my focus to my breath.
i then realized, i only failed to support myself in order to see that second chances never end.
nature always trusts and has faith that things will get better. and so does my inner child. it wants to trust and have faith in me, and it asked that i put my faith and trust in her.
she said, you need me as much as i need you. let’s do this together.
i then began to tell a story to myself.
it went like this…
my heart is like a stray dog.
a dog who’s been mistreated. who’s been hurt by others. who’s afraid to approach because it’s scared to get hurt again. who wants my closeness more than anything else.
but this dog lacks trust. she lacks faith. but she has hope that things will and can change for the better. she knows it’s possible. and she’s not willing to give up.
so day by day, bit by bit, she takes risks. she comes closer n’ closer. she’s “testing” if i am there for her through my words and actions. but she’s not doing it to punish me. she only wants to be loved by me.
by coming closer she wants to see if she feels safe with me. if she feels honored in my presence. if she can grow trust and faith in me.
but when she gets hurt again while nearing distance between us, she pulls off. she goes back in safety. in her corner to honor herself.
but she never gives up. she has the courage to try again. and again. and then again. she’s slow and patient. she knows her value. she has no second thoughts on giving second chances that never end.
she risks. fails. risks.
she knows the time will come when her trust and faith in me is beyond. it’s when i have learned to treat myself and her with respect and self-love.
my innocent heart is like a stray dog.
i began to ponder…
what if i can turn the toxic environment in my body into a healthier and safer place for my child to live and strive?
what if i can give myself forever second changes with the permission to take risk, to fail, to risk? to show myself, i am with my child through it all. not only in good. but in bad too.
if i felt i failed, i said, it’s okay. i love you.
and i began to ask myself, how can i serve you? what do you need?
i heard, treat yourself better than the past ever did by saying words to yourself you always wish to hear the most.
i said, i love you. my thoughts are okay. my feelings are okay. whatever happened, happened. i have done nothing wrong. it’s okay. i love you.
i felt relaxed. i grew in faith. i began to trust.
in the process, i got to know my thoughts. i heard them. i got to know my feelings. i felt them. i allowed them to exists in me without rushing them out of town. through likes and dislikes, i lived with them. i survived them.
over time, i became spiritually more aware and emotionally more supported by myself. i felt integration between my mind and heart. i felt how my mental and emotional intelligence began to complement one another.
but i dug deeper with interest to know…
- what do people think? and what’s their response to their thoughts in the face of change?
- how do people feel? and what’s their response to their feelings in the face of change?
i had no clue what they thought, and how they felt in private and in public during constant change.
so i began to sniff, to ask around.
i heard, from spiritual and non-spiritual people, no one talked with their mind and heart and body in the face of change as if their thoughts and feelings belong to a 5-year-old child in need.
some spurt words of prayers. some latched to meditation. some went to nature. some did and said hurtful things to themselves and anyone in view. some ignored.
but i heard no one talk with their inner child — with their thoughts, their feelings. not even spiritual people who work so hard to highlight the importance of inner child topics.
it shocked me.
we barely had a practice.
since then, whenever i feel an opening in another person, i look for something in their life that i can turn into an invitation that helps them to repair their parent-child relationship within themselves.
it’s usually their pet, a dog or a cat.
my friend said, “i don’t know what to do.”
i said, “if it feels good then step into a conversation with your inner child. do it bravely. talk to her as if you’d talk with your dog. gently with respect. like, how can i serve you?”
or it’s someone’s child, their own or someone else’s who they seem to love more than themselves.
my friend said, “there’s something wrong with me. i don’t like it. i hate my body.”
i asked, “would you say it to your 3-year-old niece?”
she said, “no.”
i asked, “but why are you saying it to yourself?”
she said, “i don’t know. its automatic.”
i asked, “what would you say to your 3-year-old niece?”
she said, “i would comfort her. i would never say what i just said to you.”
nowadays i find analogies, and i tell the story of a stray dog to people who are open to hearing it.
i love to see how relatable analogies move people into loving action. how they build faith and trust through patient authentic honesty. how their courage transforms into self-love.
my inner child knows what i need. yours knows too.
i have noticed, we’re never alone. we’re in it together.
nothing’s personal. it’s all global. it’s we experience.
my inner child says…
there’s a force in me that can help, and will help if you give me the permission to help you. i heal on your behalf. and i don’t care how spiritual you are. i don’t care the cards you’ve been dealt. i only care that you rely on me. i wish to help you anywhere at any time through good and bad in order to serve your highest evolution in human form.
she continues, grow faith in me. trust me. and you’ll see the magic.
she says, in return, i only ask honesty and self-love.
i truly hope and wish, it’s like this for all.
and now, allow me to i invite you to say words to yourself you’ve always wanted to hear from someone else. to treat yourself better than the past ever did.
if it’s any easier, i give you permission to invite yourself on a journey with yourself to repair the parent-child relationship within yourself.
risk it all.
practice. fail. practice.
you can’t go wrong. second chances never end.
ps. here’s today’s question to your heart.
what if, anywhere at any time, i would only respond to myself as if i am a 5-year-old-child in need?
next story: discharge of energy
give more love, not less,