this is the fifth story from the emotional support series.
previous story: discharge of energy
since the day i remember myself, from age eight up until my mid-twenties, i was self-explosive dynamite.
when change happened i boiled up. i slammed doors. i spit hurtful words. and i sang painful songs louder than singers ship their vocal cords.
emotionally triggered by everything and nothing, i couldn’t handle things i couldn’t control.
i had to be right at all times. i had to get what i want or else. but life had other plans for me.
i thought, if i do this or that, maybe i will get more of what i want (feel good), and get less of what i don’t want (feel bad).
but whatever i did i got more of what i didn’t want, and less of what i want. i felt bad more than often. and i hated how i felt. so i did whatever it took to get more of what i want, to feel good, but the more i tried the less it worked.
mostly, i felt as if my mom held the switch of my emotional response. i noticed that her every word and action brought out the worst in me until i got a place of my own.
once i saw my mom less in a month, i got triggered less in time but in that pattern, i still didn’t get more of what i want — to feel good, not feel bad.
i understood nothing what’s going on. how come i am still pushed and pulled by sudden n’ sharp emotional response.
it wasn’t until i went to travel the world when answers began to rain down on me.
before my thirties, i met people deep in spirituality. i then learned about human conditioning. about ego. about the wounds all humans carry.
i thought, great, i found a fix. but the deal was, i saw it as a quick fix to get from the unwanted (feel bad) to the wanted (feel good) in record speed.
people said, and books confirmed, our mind and body do not know what’s real and what’s not. hence, we, humans, can trick ourselves into a new reality.
my then god, dr. joe dispenza suggested . . .
think a thought that creates a highly elevated emotion which is greater than the conditioned emotion in your body.
i went all in, but i realised, my visualisations skills had gone on vacation for a lifetime ahead.
so i tried other methods.
don’t feel bad, i said more than often as a reminder to myself when i spoke those words to another human being.
i also said, do something that makes you feel good.
but no matter the amount of brainwashing, it weren’t the tricks that invited a change into my being. turned out, the change was hidden in the unknown instead.
overtime, the more i embraced discomfort in me on the road less traveled, first with my backpack, then with my bicycle, i began to feel better. i felt safer in me.
i realised that feeling better came thanks to the openness i gradually developed when i began to welcome all places, people, things i silently disliked.
but in that pattern feeling bad was still uninvited in me.
whenever i had a negative feeling, i shun the feeling. i had become a preacher that to feel bad lowers my vibration. and i wholeheartedly believed that every word creates my reality.
hence, i refrained from using disempowering words. i did my best to only focus on things that made me feel better by chasing moments of feel-good-now at every breath.
meaning, i ignored feeling bad. the only action i took was to pretend that bad feelings do not exist.
i partly mastered the skill of ignoring my negative feelings. the better i got at rejecting, the further i escaped in honesty on how i truly felt.
after a few years in the spiritual trap, my life collapsed. i still remember the day when the mountain of conditioned, unwanted feelings, dropped down on me.
i could hardly breathe. and i became a bitch.
to fix the unwanted, i tried my spiritual tricks.
but nothing worked in the infinite low.
a few weeks in things began to shift when i began to say words to my unwanted feelings . . .
you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. do whatever needs to be done. i will be with you no matter if i like it or not. you’re only here to make me better as never before. show me the way.
for months at end, i went through a shit-storm. i hated how i felt but i learned to be there for what i hated. i unlearned and relearned all that life offered to me.
i recited my mantras thousands of times, one of which was . . .
thank you for feeling what i am healing for the world.words by matt kahn
those lines and constant words of i love youse to my own innocent heart watered my unwatered eyes and released decades of pain i had carried in me.
since my deep realisation, i have rarely used spiritual any tricks on me.
here are words i no longer say to myself or to anyone else:
- “change your feelings by thinking a thought that creates a highly elevated emotion which is greater than the conditioned emotion in your body.”
- “don’t feel bad. do something that makes you feel good.”
- “any negative feeling and emotion will lower your vibration.”
- ”watch out what you say. your every word creates your reality.”
i am not perfect at what i do, but i am more present with my feelings and my emotions, and that’s enough for me.
when i feel emotionally triggered, i pause my life. i breathe. i narrow my focus to the part of my body where emotion is heavy.
and then, oftentimes, i talk with my body as if my body is a five-year-old child in need. and it works for me. i feel relaxed. i feel heard and seen.
my only trick is this — no matter what, i stay honest. i state my truth. and i face my fears.
In moments of unexpected change, next to, I love youse, I say . . .
this happened. it’s okay. i’ve done nothing wrong. whatever happened happened. it’s okay. thank you for feeling what i am healing for the world.
i learned in time that in the past i judged the process of my healing which only gave me more things to work at with more things i didn’t want, and less things i wanted.
when i woke up to see the unseen, i saw, for decades i had treated my feelings and my emotions as an enemy of my own consciousness.
i had a war in me. and i fought for life, not knowing, i hurt myself every step of the way.
i ran sprints from feeling bad to feeling good. but the more i ran the less it worked.
simply, i hated the unknown of the unexpected of what my negative feelings brought out in me. i didn’t know how to respond. how to react. but now, i know better.
it doesn’t matter how i feel. it matters what i say to myself when life happens.words by matt kahn
back then, i hated how the unknown of the unexpected turned on all city lights of insecurity, uncertainty, and fear. but the more i ran from what i disliked, the deeper in darkness i found myself in.
i see now (but i might be blind), i no longer chase down the fantasy of feel-good-now and i don’t get lost in the ego’s dream of dislike.
i don’t have to like life’s ways. it’s okay to dislike. and it’s okay to not know what’s up ahead.
in the open world of likes and dislikes, i feel safer to sit still in the eye of the storm. to allow myself to feel all that i do. to embrace my feelings and my emotions with no labels on them.
negative or positive, it doesn’t matter. mine or collective, it doesn’t matter. named or unnamed, it doesn’t matter. i welcome all my feelings and emotions in me.
no more bypassing. transcending. and running. i hope.
my experience say, when i allow all feelings to work through me on their own schedule, i feel safer in discomfort. and as a bonus, i am less emotionally triggered when change drops in.
maybe the openness to feel all that i feel with no pick n’ choose method is the true emotional freedom i have longed for long?
i say, yes!
nowadays, i feel more inspired by every moment. i feel how change is a gift to receive, not something to avoid. i feel i can breathe in change. i feel i give myself more love, not less.
in short, in the long-run, i feel better when i welcome it all.
i have learned, the more i respect times of feeling bad as moments of transformation, the more moments begin to feel good as a gift to receive.
but i guess the biggest lesson of all is this — when i get what i want i feel no different. and if tricked into feeling good then the hype is only temporary.
so i ask myself, why chase moments of feel-good now?
i have decided to settle in with the reality of life by learning to love the parts of myself that long to be loved by me by being open to whatever wants to enter my field.
ps. here are today’s questions to your heart.
what if when i am present with my emotional needs the more emotionally free i become?
what if when i allow myself to feel exactly as i do, i create a safer space for myself to tune in to my needs and assist myself in the healing progress wherein my healing is no longer judged by myself?
next story: overthinking as a gift