“why a privileged girl?” my friend asked, referring to the title of the upcoming launch video, “you’re not privileged.”
i guess, we all see it differently. and that’s okay.
to some i am privileged.
to some i am not.
depends who’s looking.
but, from what i have experienced and seen, being privileged or not comes with its own baggage of fears.
i grew up in three orphanages in estonia. then, at age eight, i got into a family. then i went through the school system where i studied art for nine years and computers for four years. and then i was off to live an american dream in estonia – my job, my home, my car, my friends, my partner.
i did life with social pressure and cultural norms forcing my steps.
but then, when twenty-five years ticked off, a friend asked me, more like said, “come to australia with me!”
months later i dropped the american dream to pick up another unwanted dream — an adventure to the deeper unknown, to the unfamiliar.
it was then when i flew into the space of spontaneous lifestyle.
i had enough skills.
i had enough knowledge.
i had enough everything.
all in the name to survive in new environments.
but my fears, more than i could carry, traveled with me. i couldn’t shake them off even when i tried. and believe me when i say, i tried. instead, one by one, they piled up and got bigger and uglier.
perhaps, that’s the only place i didn’t see myself privileged. never. ever. simply because, i didn’t know what to do with those fears. i had no one modelling the abc of holistic health.
but still, i didn’t stop. i travelled.
with the result being . . .
automatically, i escaped from my fears when, unknowingly, i flashed a smile to skip the pain inside. by then, for decades laughter had been a saviour of mine.
while on the road, year by year, i had two worst options . . .
1 — go back home to the american dream
or
2 — survive and thrive with emotions locked away
home was a no-go. the last and most feared choice of all. so i kept running.
but during those five and half years abroad my family was always with me. the stories, deeply ingrained painful stories, shook me up and ripped apart.
like the milky way with endless stars, the magic of the cosmos, it was also in me, but what proved to be different were those stars — every-single-star seemed to live in its own reality with oneness as a foreign concept inside.
but life did what it seems to do the best — no matter if i liked it or not, life guided me towards people, places and things i needed the most, just to wake me up from the dream of dislike.
suddenly i was at the end of the finish line of the old reality, ready to enter the new reality, with only fears left to face.
fears. fears. fears.
the same fears i had run from all my life. faster than Usain Bolt breaks world records in hundred meters. faster than you could blink an eye.
and then i saw how my privileged status helped along to unlearn and relearn the ways i had come to see this world.
while on the road . . .
i met people. i talked with people. i listened to people. and i lived with people.
people, hundreds of them, from different walks of life.
some had homes.
some didn’t.
some had families.
some didn’t.
some had healthy environments.
some didn’t.
and the list goes on.
i saw wealth.
i saw poverty.
i saw kindness.
i saw violence.
i saw love.
i saw fear.
and i — with all my fears, worries, hopes and dreams — felt heard and seen, also scared shitless, in the land of the underprivileged and the overprivileged.
the realness of a humankind, the rainbow of experiences, helped me to open my eyes, my mind, my heart, one inch at a time.
it may sound weird to the bones but i felt safe in there. safe to do the work of a brave. safe to face my fears. safe to break free from the imprisoned self.
slowly but surely, gently and lovingly, i unraveled my biggest, my wildest, and what once seemed ugliest, fears together with others. not alone.
together. together. together.
but no, i am not freed from fears. i have fears. some i know, some i don’t. but i stopped running, and i began face them, one by one.
and being privileged has created a bubble of safety.
i have a home.
i have clean water.
i have healthy food.
i have family, friends.
i have people who love me.
i have you, a love warrior, beside me.
i have a safe environment and non-toxic relationships where i can express my feelings, emotions and thoughts. yeah, even the deepest and the scariest.
i am also beyond educated.
i have access to free health care.
and i can travel whenever wherever.
*** i am privileged ***
comfortably privileged.
on the other hand, my friend who said, “you’re not privileged!” has had a slightly different life from mine. but different enough to say what she said. to feel what she felt.
“but you were adopted?” she would say again and again like it’s a curse. “you’re childhood was a messy.”
yeah, true.
but that story, it got me here.
and once again i wonder . . .
what if whatever happened / happens has evolutionary gifts inside only with the wish to take you closer to your own heart?
through my own eyes i have been privileged. yeah, also emotionally privileged.
i see clearly now — even my fears have made me privileged. thanks to those fears i am here today in your inbox talking about fears. learning, unlearning, listening, sharing how fears learn to love.
i am honored. and thankful for being here with you to do the work of a brave.
so what do you say?
are you ready to bring your fears home into the light where they belong?
pss. hurray, a week to go. the launch of LOVE OR FEAR is just around the corner.