there’s something about christmas time that makes you wish it was christmas everyday, i heard Bryan Adams sing from the speakers.
yeah, i agree, every-single-day.
year after a year, i always felt the magic in the air, but in that magic, i also felt entirely alone, and forgotten by the world.
not physically alone but emotionally alone, because, there were always people around me. always.
up until recently, i even hated christmas as much as i loved christmas.
holiday’s, since i remember myself, always confused me — the ageless lies. the mad spendings. the empty gifts. the shallow connections.
“i will take this,” my mom said holding a stuffed animal, “i like it.”
“what if he has enough?” i asked yesterday.
“no, he doesn’t,” she was quick to reply.
“but will he like it?” i kept asking.
“he doesn’t know what he likes! he’s three months old,” she said.
how do you know what he needs and wants, i thought in privacy. what if those are your needs and your wants that remind you of the emotional connection your heart desires?
infants.
toddlers.
children.
adolescents.
adults.
no matter who, i feel the same.
in moments like this, things are just things.
empty. forgetful. hurtful.
after 8 years in an orphanage, 18 years at a home, 6 years abroad, and 1 year of writing, i see clearly — no person, place or thing can fulfil the void inside.
loneliness, like a true friend, tagged along to show me that.
the physical gifts, either at age six, or at thirty-one never fulfilled me. instead, each gift ever unwrapped created a spike of temporary joy and deepened the confusion inside.
“elsa,” i heard from a friend years back, “this is for you,” she said, and pointed to a gift on a floor.
i faked a smile and cried inside. there were gadgets i didn’t need. gadgets i didn’t want. and what now? i thought. there’s not even a space for them in my travel bag.
but love, as angels say, comes in many forms, and i guess, sometimes it’s only through physical gifts. when sometimes it’s a mix of both, the physical and emotional.
so i think to myself, what if the gifts i gift to myself are the only gifts i can gift to another?
back then (and now).
i needed connection.
i needed emotional support.
i needed unfiltered honest conversations.
and i needed love, not things.
but i didn’t know how to gift it all to me. so i began to unlearn. and relearn. then again and again.
over time, practice made me better.
and then, after a long haul, the gift of the gifts found me.
and as always, it was unexpected.
about two years from now i met unloved parts of myself in the darkness of me. back then, the confusion and loneliness hijacked the stage, and i couldn’t run the show anymore. whatever i tried, nothing seemed to work. nothing.
and then, in my miserable isolation, i heard a voice, listen to me, talk with me. i will teach you. i need you to trust me and have faith in me.
since then i have done just that — i have learned how to listen and how to talk with my inner child on daily bases.
every-single-day, no matter what.
it’s a gift that keeps on giving. and in it, i feel heard. and i feel seen.
my loneliness, it’s gone but i feel it and i see it in others. my confusion, it’s still here, changing form with each breath.
and today, during this holiday season, i wonder — what would you like to say to your younger self?
allow me to start.
elsa, you are loved.
elsa to elsa
whatever you’re feeling is healing.
please give yourself the permission
to feel everything — fully, deeply, madly.
the pain you’ll experience in your life
is only here to help you
to see the beauty of you
so you can see the beauty of others.
and while you go through the pain,
please know, you are loved,
and that you are never alone.
i am here, and from this moment on,
i will never abandon you.
elsa, i am so proud of you.
you’re so brave.
thank you for being who you are.
you are beautiful.
and you are enough.
i hear you.
i see you.
and i love you.
and now, i invite you to taste your own words.
perhaps gift this moment to yourself, to your own mind and to your own heart. c’mon, allow them to be heard and to be seen by you.
here’s a cheat sheet on how i do it.
i close my eye, and i put a hand on my heart.
i take a deep breath in.
i take a deep breath out.
i repeat.
and then, i ask my heart, “what were the words you needed me to say when you were young?”
then.
i listen.
i speak up.
i feel the words.
from what i have learned, my mind thinks it knows the answer but it might not understand what i need the most.
“dad, what if you would just stop and say, i love you, to your own heart?” i said recently when i heard his cries.
“are you crazy? what have you consumed? that’s stupid,” my dad said and my mom laughed.
i looked at them, i took a deep breath and in my mind i said — I LOVE YOU — again and again, to my own heart.
i hope those conversation go easier and deeper in your family. i don’t think we need to wait for the world to change before we can change.
and that’s why, i invite you to be brave, and to gift this opportunity to yourself today, tomorrow, and perhaps every-single-day.
and if you feel an opening to share this message with your people then perhaps, start a conversation around this topic.
happy holidays ?
may you be blessed with joy, peace and love.
and here’s my gift to us with words to my own heart and to yours…
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
please join me. let’s allows this mantra to spread wings and fly.
what if the mantra “i love you” to your own heart helps someone in loneliness to feel heard and feel seen by the world?
what if a message to one heart is a message to all hearts?